I called because I felt I had no one who loved me I could call who would care that I wouldn’t feel like I was burdening and the hotline was my last hope, and it just made me feel so alone. When I got off the phone I just felt worse because I felt more like a burden than ever. He kind of said like normal routine things that you always here “please don’t kill your self, people will miss you.” “You have so much to live for” etc it felt disingenuous.
The guy who I eventually talked to sounded a bit disinterested. The other problem was I was on hold a long time and kept getting shuffled around a bit and that was really jarring and made me feel like a number not a person. I’m not sure what they could have said that would have helped. I guess I’m not really sure because it felt like they didn’t really care about me, which is true because they don’t know me. My mom bought me buffalo chicken tenders with ranch dipping sauce, and I need to be strong,” I said to myself before typing out this comment and eating my tendies. “This meme may have gotten to me, but I won’t let it win not today. Gently dancing on the line between the waking world and peaceful oblivion. Like, not going to pull the trigger or anything crazy, but just gently resting my finger on the trigger and applying just a tiny bit of pressure on the trigger. There’s just something calming about holding the solution to all your problems in your hands, you know? It’s just such a relief knowing that if you ever NEED a way out, it’s always there, right? Anyway, before I put her back, I took the safety off and put the barrel in my mouth just to get the taste on my tongue. That way, I’d never have to see this meme with my own eyes again. Like, I wasn’t going to hurt myself or anything, but I just wanted to feel the weight in my hands, you know? IF I wanted to, I COULD have ended it all right there. Honestly, I had to take my gun out of the case and just hold it.
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